I’ve learned in the past two weeks that I don’t think I would make a very good cancer patient. Sure, when I went though a two hour surgery to have my teeth out that royally sucked, I took it like a champ. I didn’t complain, I manned up, and I did what I had to do. I bore the torture because, even though it sucked, it would make for a good story at least. However, the complications that have come from having my teeth out have made for a very trying month and I’ve simply gotten more bitter each day.
Some of you may know that I ended up having a dry socket. However, instead of packing it (which he later admitted he should have done) the oral surgeon just said “deal with it for a week and see what happens.” So instead of being in the clear and able to eat normal food again a few weeks after surgery, I found myself in the most intense chronic pain I’d ever experienced. Eating solid food was impossible.
I spent more than week unable to eat anything that wasn’t a smoothie or a milkshake. This frustrated and depressed me as I could literally watch the work I’d done to improve my body recede day by day. Dealing with pain and body issues, I slept more and more, hoping that the next day when I woke up, the pain would finally be gone. It wasn’t. Of course, each day, some new pain found its way to make things suck. I started getting short with people. In the past several weeks I’ve yelled at more people than I have since I was in high school. I’m not cool with this.
Finally last Wednesday the doctor admitted that he should have packed it. Hella good that does me know. But he prescribed me some steroids to reduce swelling and new anti-biotics just in case there’s an infection. If things aren’t better by Thursday, they’ll cut me open again and explore the growth. (In other words, starting the whole healing process over) The pain certainly hasn’t gone away and I still can’t eat solid food.
To make matters worse, the anti-biotics got stuck going down, giving me drug-induced esophagitis. Not once, but twice. So I went from not being able to eat solid food without pain to not being able to even drink water without pain. I felt like I was having a constant heart attack for three days and it’s only finally starting to get better. When I eat food, I have a choice of chewing more and having my teeth hurt or chewing less and having my chest hurt. My motto for the last several weeks has been “everything sucks.”
The thing that pisses me off the most is that my sinus hole STILL hasn’t healed and I’m not supposed to play instruments for another month. I was already told last month that if it hadn’t healed by now that it would be surgically fixed. Why am I still waiting?
The problem is. When things suck, I bury myself in music until I feel better. So it’s been a month without music, I’m in pain, things suck, and I can’t play. Now I’m told it’s going to be another month. I seriously hate everything right now. I hurt. I can’t eat. Because I can’t eat, my other bodily functions are suffering. I can’t exercise because I can’t get the right food in me. I can’t play music to feel better. Seriously, I’m just angry and upset all the time lately.
I hate everything right now. If I’m not on vicodin, then the entire right side of my face hurts. Teeth, jaw, ear, chin, and neck. When I’m on vicodin, I’m a zombie but at least the pain recedes, but not enough to eat anything solid. Sometimes I wish I would have just kept my teeth and dealt with the occasional pain.
I would be a terrible cancer patient. I would be angry, depressed, and take it out on everyone. I feel utterly useless as a person right now. I can’t even decide if I want a hug. I want to be left alone but I’m also lonely. I hate it. I can’t even decide how I feel day to day because it changes with how much pain I’m in.
I slept all day today because I was, again, trying to pass time. I hate wasting time but when I’m awake I’m just angry and have no urge to do anything. I feel caged. I think I understand better what a lot of people in pain deal with now. I suppose that’s one good thing I can get out of this. :/
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