It’s time for another disconnected mind-dump of a rant. Random Thought: These are probably better written in m own private books. Oh well.
Sometimes I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong. ( ._.)
I was clearing out the people I never talk to on Facebook today and it suggested that I be friends with two exes. Nice. Both of them are still with the person they met after me. I know it shouldn’t bother me any more but really, what is it with people and marrying the first person you date after me? In some cases, the person you cheated on me with. Ugh.
Sometimes I feel like I just absolutely suck at relationships. I’ve been with people and I know that all they want is for someone to love them for who they are and be happy to see them. Wait, isn’t that what I want? Why couldn’t I give them that? Why can’t the people that gave me that be the people I can give it to?
I don’t know why I get these attacks of loneliness. Maybe I never got over some people. Maybe I never got over anyone? I don’t know. It’s different than when I was younger. When I was younger, I felt bad when a relationship ended because I felt like I somehow wasn’t good enough for them to love me. Now, I feel more like I wasn’t able to give them what they needed somehow and I feel guilty for it. Like I wasted their time with my inability to settle. Maybe not settle, maybe work through the difficulty. I wonder if at first glance working through difficulty and settling appear to be the same thing. I haven’t figured it out yet. I can say that five or ten years ago, I would have walked away from anything at the first sign of difficulty. It’s different now, I’m much more open to working through problems, but I always wonder if I’m making the right decision. How can you know if it’s something worth fighting for?
What if *you* know it is but they don’t? I suppose you just walk in that case. Given how many situations where it’s best just to walk, I really wonder how the hell people manage to make it at all. So far I’ve come believe that if you love them and they don’t love you, you walk. Vice versa you walk. If one doesn’t wholly accept the other, if one person isn’t physically attracted to the other, if you logistically can’t work things out, if one person runs and hides at every bump in the road, all of these things and more have always been reasons to walk away in my opinion. So seriously…how the hell do people do it?
Getting older is weird. I’m simultaneously willing to deal with 10x the crap I used run from but also walk much more quickly at the crap I used to willingly endure. It’s always such a delicate line of telling someone “What you’re doing is NOT acceptable” and being quiet for fear of running them off. Lately, I err on the side of voicing my opinions. Interestingly enough, I spend much more time alone than I used to.
I sometimes wish that I could just know that I will always be alone. That way I could at least turn off that part of me entirely. Even when I try, someone always manages to come along and pull me back out into the sunlight for a while. Just long enough for my eyes to adjust so when it’s dark again, I can’t see anything.
I don’t know why I feel like crap right now. I just do. And I hate it. I just want to feel safe. Doesn’t everyone?
Christ I’m emo. No wonder I was craving chocolate last night.
I just feel sad today. :/