I’m posting for the sake of posting! DERRRRRp.

I really can’t express how freaking wonderful it is to be able to eat again. No more painkillers, no more worrying about eating the wrong food, no more worrying about playing instruments. I can’t wait to spend time with my friends again without being ridiculously angsty.

Two days go I ate my first carrots since having my teeth out. I haven’t taken any pain killers, OTC or otherwise, since the weekend. I still have some discomfort and my mouth doesn’t want to open all the way just yet, but it’s definitely to the point where I’m officially optimistic and I’m not worried about it anymore. Thank krast. I’m ready to have my life back. I’ve celebrated with a spinachwich. ^_^

I’ve also been inspired lately. Too many projects, too little time. Oy. I need to clone myself. (and have an orgy)

I’ve learned in the past two weeks that I don’t think I would make a very good cancer patient. Sure, when I went though a two hour surgery to have my teeth out that royally sucked, I took it like a champ. I didn’t complain, I manned up, and I did what I had to do. I bore the torture because, even though it sucked, it would make for a good story at least. However, the complications that have come from having my teeth out have made for a very trying month and I’ve simply gotten more bitter each day.

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Since you explicitly stated that you don’t want to be my friend, don’t you think it’s a little creepy that you still read my blog? Just sayin’…

Today I had my wisdom teeth extracted. I also had two additional teeth pulled due inability to have them taken care of for several years. So now my wisdom teeth are gone as well as the two farthest back teeth on the left side, top and bottom. I’m told this won’t affect my chewing very much and it won’t affect me cosmetically at all. However, it does kind hurt my pride and I also have a feeling that every time I move my tongue over there and feel the holes, I’m going to get a little bit pissed at my dad again.

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Check out my workshop over the Visuals section. It’s *just* getting started, but it’s nice to have a dedicated space to make stuff. ^_^

This just popped into my head today, not sure why. I had a metals teacher back at BSU who insisted that she was “forever moved and inspired” by Japanese art. You could see it too, her work tended to gravitate towards a vertical orientation and she had a love for things that looked like this. However, for a person who had a self-proclaimed love for all things Japan, she sure couldn’t pronounce things to save her life. My favorite example, and purpose of this post:

Tokugawa: (toe-koo-gah-wah) She pronounced it “tork-uh-gow-uh.” How do rogue R’s end up in words anyway? Warshington. Derp.

It’s time for another disconnected mind-dump of a rant. Random Thought: These are probably better written in m own private books. Oh well.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m doing everything wrong. ( ._.)

I was clearing out the people I never talk to on Facebook today and it suggested that I be friends with two exes. Nice. Both of them are still with the person they met after me. I know it shouldn’t bother me any more but really, what is it with people and marrying the first person you date after me? In some cases, the person you cheated on me with. Ugh.

Sometimes I feel like I just absolutely suck at relationships. I’ve been with people and I know that all they want is for someone to love them for who they are and be happy to see them. Wait, isn’t that what I want? Why couldn’t I give them that? Why can’t the people that gave me that be the people I can give it to?

I don’t know why I get these attacks of loneliness. Maybe I never got over some people. Maybe I never got over anyone? I don’t know. It’s different than when I was younger. When I was younger, I felt bad when a relationship ended because I felt like I somehow wasn’t good enough for them to love me. Now, I feel more like I wasn’t able to give them what they needed somehow and I feel guilty for it. Like I wasted their time with my inability to settle. Maybe not settle, maybe work through the difficulty. I wonder if at first glance working through difficulty and settling appear to be the same thing. I haven’t figured it out yet. I can say that five or ten years ago, I would have walked away from anything at the first sign of difficulty. It’s different now, I’m much more open to working through problems, but I always wonder if I’m making the right decision. How can you know if it’s something worth fighting for?

What if *you* know it is but they don’t? I suppose you just walk in that case. Given how many situations where it’s best just to walk, I really wonder how the hell people manage to make it at all. So far I’ve come believe that if you love them and they don’t love you, you walk. Vice versa you walk. If one doesn’t wholly accept the other, if one person isn’t physically attracted to the other, if you logistically can’t work things out, if one person runs and hides at every bump in the road, all of these things and more have always been reasons to walk away in my opinion. So seriously…how the hell do people do it?

Getting older is weird. I’m simultaneously willing to deal with 10x the crap I used run from but also walk much more quickly at the crap I used to willingly endure. It’s always such a delicate line of telling someone “What you’re doing is NOT acceptable” and being quiet for fear of running them off. Lately, I err on the side of voicing my opinions. Interestingly enough, I spend much more time alone than I used to.

I sometimes wish that I could just know that I will always be alone. That way I could at least turn off that part of me entirely. Even when I try, someone always manages to come along and pull me back out into the sunlight for a while. Just long enough for my eyes to adjust so when it’s dark again, I can’t see anything.

I don’t know why I feel like crap right now. I just do. And I hate it. I just want to feel safe. Doesn’t everyone?

Christ I’m emo. No wonder I was craving chocolate last night.